2004

What an amazing part of my experiment it is for me to now live as a sacral being in the role of Director of Human Design America.

In my role as Director, I am living as a Generator and I want to respond to everything that comes to me. What I had not realized before was just how much would be coming to me. Whew! It is quite overwhelming at times. For me as a 6/2 just recently off the roof, sometimes it is so much that I want to just run and find that invisible ladder and climb right back on the roof and ‘watch’ again. But I know I can’t. I know that this role is correct for me and I know that I must simply stay in my strategy at all costs.

In this role, I am learning that I cannot give reasons to my responses. I simply can respond. The only thing I can say after response and know that it is true is “in this moment it is not healthy for me to do that”. Anything else is my mind simply trying to run the show.

Not giving reasons in an authority position can often seem very cold and very harsh, especially in emails. If the person were in my office, they would get my tone of voice and my body gestures and my facial expression. I am not a hard person. I love to laugh. I love to care. But only when it is correct for me, otherwise it drains my very life source.

With the web site going live, there was a lot of excitement. There were a lot of emails. Some people would write, “I liked the site very much” and then add, “Do you want some feedback?” Reading that question, my sacral often responded ‘unun’ (no).

Now this can appear that I am closed and that I do not want to know what someone else thinks, feels, and sees or judges. But the simple truth is not any of that. The truth of my sacral response is ALWAYS about me in the moment. And it is always about my health in the moment. It is NEVER about the other. It simply is not. This I know from my own experience over these years.

No one who is not in the office has any idea what is on the plate in the moment. The projects, the deadlines, the production, the creation, the technical difficulties, the finances, and the legal aspects – the list feels endless. In one moment, everything can be just humming along. In the next moment nothing is humming. That is life. I used to think that life should always ‘hum’ but I’ve let that go. Life is a duality. We are a binary. There are always both sides. I am never going to have just one aspect of anything.

Someone asks something in an email. My response in that moment is “unun” (no). It is my spleen responding through my sacral center. It is my spleen that is giving the information to my sacral that to say ‘yes’ in this moment would be unhealthy for me. Now, it is not like the spleen and the sacral actually talk. But information does get transmitted in a nano-second. And me, Mary Ann, has NO IDEA that all this is happening. I only hear “unun” coming out of my mouth. It is very strange behavior yet I have come to feel comfortable with it and also to see how wise those sounds are in guiding me in my life.

The sounds are not civilized. The sounds are not polite. The responses are often short. Sometimes I give much more after my response. I soften it. I have learned that over years. But sometimes, I simply do not have the energy to give more than the response. And I am splenic. So the response is ALWAYS right there. And it is my answer in that moment. I am not an emotional being who responds in the moment but then has a gap – a period of time where they wait out their wave for clarity before having a final answer.

The one thing that I love the most about responding is how real I am. You get me in the moment. You don’t get what I would like you to believe I am. You don’t get what my mother had hoped I would become. You don’t get the dreams that my teachers had for me. You don’ t get what my lovers wanted me to be. No. You get me. You get me real in the moment. And sometimes that is simply not nice.

I love being real. I love hearing my sounds respond to life. I love being authentic. I love that people can hear what is my truth in the moment exactly at the same time that I hear it. There is no manipulation from my mind. There is nothing pre-determined about me or pre-planned. You get me. Live and unedited.

What I discovered very quickly is that my sacral response is running Human Design America, not my mind. This does not often sit well with others. And I can truly understand the nervousness that can be out there because an “unun” or an “ahunh” is what is guiding the organization.

I am not planning great business strategies. I am not in this role to be a huge success. I am in this role to be me. It may very well be that Human Design America is a huge financial success and that it really does serve humanity. I don’t know. The outcome is simply not in my hands.

I know that the only thing that I can do is to respond and honor my response. I remember in one of the first courses I took with Ra, he was talking about Bill Gates being a Generator. Ra said that if Bill Gates ran his business as a Generator, he may not be one of the richest men in the world, but he would have a much better life for himself. That living out your strategy does not mean that you are going to become rich or famous or anything like that. Living out your strategy simply means you will become yourself and you will have the life you were meant to live. The story of Bill Gates had a great impact on me. Because I really saw that if I respond there are no guarantees about anything except that I will be correct in my life.

I am being tested daily to see if I can stand in this strategy and run a business and deal with all the people according to who I am, and not who they want me to be. It is challenging to say the least. But the more I do stand as a sacral being and the more I honor my response, in spite of whether people like me or not, the more something inside gets aligned. It is quite magical.

After living 47 years as a people-pleaser, I can say without a doubt that I am not here for that pleasing anymore. I am not here to be nice. I am here to be real and I am here to be me. Some people will love that and others will not. I am comfortable in that. I can’t believe it but I am truly comfortable in that. It is quite astonishing to not be afraid of people’s minds and emotions and egos. It is really a validation for the whole system because I could never have dreamed of saying such a thing before I started living as a sacral being. I would have done anything to avoid confrontation. I would have done anything to keep the peace.

Now, there is nothing more important than living who I am. If that happens to upset someone, then so be it. If that happens to make someone really happy, then so be it. I am not in control of what others go through because of me living my strategy. I am not responsible for what others experience because I go “unun” or “ahunh”. It is quite a learning process I am in right now.

It is a glorious gift to be oneself. I really feel that when someone is living who they are, they will truly appreciate someone else living who they are. There will not be an upset. There will be understanding and recognition of realness.

It is a glorious gift to be oneself. I really feel that when someone is living who they are, they will truly appreciate someone else living who they are.

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(see episode 11 of the season)