2004

I cannot believe that I have just finished my first seven years.

Last week of May, it was seven years ago that Ra gave me my reading. It ended my seeking journey that started in 1973. The journey took me to California, India, Oregon, Switzerland, Colorado, Florida and then Sedona.

I was 47 when I had my reading – and the idea of trying something for 7 years did not disturb me. I had been searching since I was 24, trying so many things without finding what I had been searching for. I remember leaving my reading with Ra very excited about the possibility that this could be it!

One week later I began realizing what living as a Generator really meant. The strategy of waiting to respond with sacral sounds seemed very easy. But once I actually started doing this, I was very disturbed how my sounds were going against who I thought I was. It was obvious that responding sacrally was not very pleasing to others. People in my life did not like me responding. My biggest fear was “what if I don’t like who I really am?”

Seven years later – I can say that not only do I like who I am – but I love who I am as well. It is astonishing to me that the seven years have already passed by. I wasn’t keeping count. Just living my life – waiting to respond. That alone was keeping me pretty busy. There was so much to respond to. But not at first – because like any addiction – I was addicted to going out and making things happen. Cold turkey is cold turkey. It was horrible. I was so sure no one would ask me anything. But slowly – life proved otherwise. I found myself being asked many things that my sacral decided “yes” or “no” to.

My mind was not happy with most of my decisions. I had my hopes and dreams. It didn’t matter that it was my not-self that had them. Hopes and dreams are deeply ingrained. They do not leave easily. When they did leave, it was usually through a shattering process that unsettled the very ground beneath my feet. 

How different all of that is now. What I realized about 2 weeks before the seven years were completed is that I want what I have. There is nothing I would change. There is nothing I want other than what is my life now. I am so in awe of this. How did that happen?

The only thing I can say is that each response brought the next response and somehow I ended up here – now – in this incredible space. I didn’t do any visualization. I didn’t do any positive thinking. I didn’t do any clearing. I didn’t do anything but wait to respond. And now – here is this amazing peace and joy for my life as it is – living inside of me! And all I did was wait to respond.

In the beginning, waiting to respond was really hard. It was the most difficult thing I have ever attempted in my life. It was like all my energy wanted to keep going out the usual way – go towards things. Initiate – make things happen. I had to be very rigid those first three months. That was my way. It may not be anyone else’s way. Even though I was so rigid in my experiment - and it was a little bizarre - I feel so damn lucky that I could break through the old way of being – the old patterns.

It is so easy to be "tricky" with oneself - the mind is forever looking for the way to stay in power. If I hadn't been so strict - my mind could have rationalized anything! By being rigid, by not moving until I heard my sounds – well – it helped me to not be tricked by my own mind. Later this rigidity eased and it became simply flowing in my own life.

I am so excited about beginning my life. Only now is it truly the beginning for me – after these first seven years. I have no idea what life has in store for me. When I reflect on these past seven years, there have been so many twists and turns on the road. My mind would have not taken me to so many of the places and situations I have been. It would have liked a more straight line. You know the fastest way between two points is a straight line. My mind does not like to wait. It is impatient.

Yet, what I have learned from these past seven years is that every single thing I have entered into – no matter what the outcome was – has been so necessary for me in the process of becoming myself. Some situations were not pleasant. Others were just full of joy. Now I understand. In order to get to where I am now I needed every little twist and turn of the road that my sacral response brought me to. I needed every little step of the way. Life has to unfold in its own way. I love living life without interfering in how it unfolds. It is waiting to respond that allows me not to interfere.

⋓

related:

(especially episode 4 in the season)